Thank You, Existence

Dear Existence,

I believe in life. I will say it. And I am surprised that I don’t hear this everyday from every single person I talk to. I am amazed. Everyday I wake up I am amazed that my mind reasserts itself in the physical body from a dream world where I am floating around in some ether battling a giant squid, crying over the loss of someone I love, or waking up from a dream within a dream where I fight gravity trying to fly away from some faceless, demonic force that fills me with an ugly terror.

And then I wake up, and then I am amazed that I can see colors, millions of colors! And I can smell the burnt toast, and I can feel the hot water against my skin in the shower, and breathe in the steam. I am amazed that I can be aware of every single point that is happening around me and say to myself “I am in a shower, I feel heat, I am here, I am alive.” I am amazed that I can look in the mirror and see myself staring back at me.

I am amazed I can move my fingers against the metal coils of my guitar and strum some ugly chords and it sounds like shit and then I can strum a nice G chord and feel all warm inside. I am amazed that my heart beats from a moment before I am even born until the moment I die. I am amazed that I suck in some air, and my alveoli convert millions of molecules of oxygen into millions of molecules of carbon dioxide. And I did nothing! All I did was open my mouth!

I am amazed that I can eat absolutely anything from this earth and my stomach can detect it, and the somatic cells know just how much digestive juice to use and then deconstruct every molecule into something that I can use to power my body. And then my body uses that energy! I don’t know how to use that but my body does! If it doesn’t use it, then it stores it! If I exert too much energy, my skin will literally exude salt and water to keep me cool.

I am amazed that my body cells know how to differentiate and that they did that while I was an embryo, while I wasn’t even conscious of being alive. I am amazed that they know which ones will pump my blood, which ones will produce digestive juices, which ones will allow me to hear the words you say. I am amazed that I can move my fingers, and shift my tongue, and wiggle my toes, and blink my eyes at the same time. I am amazed that I can write symbols on a page and we can decipher it! We can move things around in our head and make meaning out of it. I am amazed that I can shake my vocal chords and we can understand what I have been trying to say from a very small spark of origin that started at one neuron in my brain.

I am amazed that life has given me the choice to actually do whatever I want in this world, that I can swim in the ocean, that I can see a sunset, that I can listen to a cat meow and a wolf howl. I am amazed that there are trillions of creatures that wander the earth, with wings, and fins, and tentacles, and shells, and teeth. I am amazed other people wonder what I am so excited about in this world!

I am amazed when someone dies, I feel sadness. When I fuck up I feel regret. When I fall in love, I feel happiness. I am amazed that I have gonads devoted to creating more life so all my other soma cells can enjoy life, can simply be aware of all the sounds and sights and feelings and smells in this incredible place that I didn’t even choose to be born into. I am amazed that I have germ line cells that are made to create another form of life so that life does not die.

I am amazed that I will die. I am amazed that the very life which has given me awareness has also given me the fear of my own death, that I am capable of such sorrow and that I am aware of my place in the universe.I am amazed that at any given moment, trillions of cells in my body are adapting to proteins and working their ass off in chemical reactions so that I can move. I am amazed that I can use all those chemical reactions to say stupid shit or to love and support another human being on this earth or to care for an animal who is in pain. I am amazed that I have a brain which allows me to be amazed!

I am amazed that I exist. I am amazed that where I stand right now is the result of millions of years of creatures simply living their lives and genomes replicating and billions of years of stars exploding. I am amazed that I can look at the sky and see the stars from where I came. I believe in life. It has given me everything I ever needed without even asking. I am amazed that I don’t even have to acknowledge that it exists. I am amazed that I don’t even have to understand it. I am amazed at the unconditional love that I feel every day I wake up from my physical body.

I am amazed that I don’t even have to say thank you. But I am amazed that, at the very least, I can say thank you. I feel like saying thank you is so small, so stupid, after you, Existence, have bent time and space and done all that I have written here and an infinity of other incredible miracles that I will never even know or comprehend. But I do mean it when I say it. I really do. So….Thank you. I hope you hear me.

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